In last week’s post, I highlighted an article that collected advice from caregivers of family members with Alzheimer’s disease. Much of the guidance focused on the emotional and financial strains of caregiving and emphasized the importance of prioritizing self-care for those who take on this role.
Coincidentally, a family friend sent an update about her own experiences caring for her widowed mother-in-law—known to the family as “Grandma”—who lives with dementia. With her permission, I’m sharing her observations and lessons learned so that others facing similar situations might find encouragement and practical perspective.
A serious commitment
To protect her privacy I’ll call my friend “Jane.” She and her husband share caregiving responsibilities with his three siblings and employ one paid caregiver who visits most weekdays. Each sibling has specific weekly evenings when they stay overnight with Grandma, and they each take one full weekend per month to provide extended care.
The family has considered placing Grandma in a senior living community with memory care, but they worry a move could worsen her symptoms. For now, they believe keeping her in a familiar home environment is the best option.
One family’s team effort
Jane describes how fortunate they feel to have multiple family members united in caring for Grandma. When challenges arise, the whole family meets—often with Grandma present—to talk through options and make decisions. While the siblings don’t always agree, they maintain respect for one another and find workable solutions, which Jane recognizes as a blessing not all families enjoy.
She also notes that her own children are grown and living independently, which simplifies the situation. Many caregivers juggle eldercare while raising teens or advancing careers, making the burden considerably heavier.
Jane returns often to the word “fortunate.” Compared with many adult children thrust into caregiving, her family benefits from shared responsibilities and the financial ability to hire additional help. Still, it’s important not to minimize the seriousness of caregiving by thinking “it could be worse.” Even when circumstances are relatively favorable, caring for an aging loved one exacts emotional, physical, and financial costs that deserve recognition and support.
A contrasting case
Jane’s update also included a contrasting example: her own parents. They proactively planned for aging by purchasing long-term care and life insurance policies, some arranged specifically to assist the surviving spouse. They are also on a waitlist for a continuing care retirement community (CCRC) and have taken steps to make that option financially viable.
Her parents’ preparation isn’t offered as criticism of the in-law situation, but as an illustration of how different planning choices produce different outcomes. The contrast highlights the practical consequences of planning—or not planning—for future care needs.
Different people, different planning philosophies
People approach aging and long-term care planning in varied ways. Some are natural planners who want to prepare for “what ifs,” perhaps because they experienced the challenges of caring for older relatives and don’t want to burden their own children. Others have the financial resources to choose from multiple care options, whether remaining at home with support or moving to a life-plan community.
Yet many do not plan for a range of reasons. Financial limitations are common—many households lack sufficient savings to cover long-term care. Some people avoid confronting the realities of aging or prefer to believe things will work out on their own. Denial, competing priorities, or simply discomfort with discussing end-of-life details can all delay essential planning.
The ramifications of care planning—or lack thereof
When no financial or logistical plan exists, families are frequently forced into crisis-mode decision making. Sudden health changes or age-related decline can leave adult children scrambling to develop care schedules, manage costs, and coordinate support—often while balancing careers, household expenses, and childrearing responsibilities. That stress can be overwhelming and sometimes results in less-than-ideal outcomes for both the elder and their caregivers.
For many, one compelling reason to choose a continuing care retirement community (CCRC) is the continuum of services these communities provide: independent living, assisted living, skilled nursing, and memory care. Choosing a CCRC while still healthy can be a proactive way to ensure ongoing care and reduce the emotional, financial, and logistical burdens placed on family members later.
A caring choice
Jane and her family’s commitment to Grandma is moving. Caregiving—whether chosen or thrust upon someone—requires patience, sacrifice, and devotion, and it can be one of the most profound expressions of love.
At the same time, planning ahead can be an equally caring choice. Individuals who choose a CCRC or arrange long-term care in advance help protect their families from crisis, ensuring that their needs will be met without placing an unexpected burden on loved ones. Advance planning does not diminish the dignity or affection of family caregiving; rather, it offers an alternative that can preserve family relationships and reduce stress when transitions are needed.
Whether a family shares caregiving duties, hires professional help, or chooses planned communities for long-term care, thoughtful conversations and practical planning make a significant difference. A mix of compassion, communication, and preparation helps families navigate aging with greater peace of mind and resilience.