We’ve all seen images of loved ones separated by plexiglass or connecting through video calls to share life’s important moments. Whether celebrating a birthday, graduation, or wedding—or mourning a loss—the pandemic has forced us to rethink how we support one another from a distance.
This strain is especially acute for those caring for an aging family member. Caregiver guilt exists even in ordinary times, but the pandemic introduced challenges and heartache few could have anticipated.
Pandemic-related issues
The emotional impact of shutdowns and quarantine has been significant for many seniors, particularly those who live alone. Family caregivers are often pushed to the limit as they juggle their own pandemic-related responsibilities while trying to help an older loved one adapt to an unfamiliar and sometimes frightening reality.
Simple tasks now require extra planning and precautions: grocery trips demand masks and hand sanitizer, paid help such as housekeepers or in-home aides can feel like potential health risks, and even medical appointments can trigger anxiety. All of this creates additional work, stress, and guilt for family caregivers.
At the same time, many social outlets that once supported seniors have paused. Book clubs, bowling leagues, religious study groups and other gatherings are often on hold, and family holiday get-togethers may be in jeopardy. For many, this has meant a lonelier autumn and winter.
The added guilt that caregivers—especially those at a distance—feel cannot be overstated. Ongoing stress, which can breed anger and resentment, has been amplified by these pandemic-specific factors, making caregiving even more emotionally demanding.
Origins of caregiver guilt
Much caregiver guilt comes from self-criticism and feelings of inadequacy. Guilt often appears when there’s a gap between the choices the ideal version of yourself would make and the choices you actually make. You may feel you’ve fallen short, disappointed others, or should have done more.
Yet it’s essential to remember that you must secure your own basic needs first—like putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others. Caregivers need to care for themselves to maintain the energy and emotional capacity required to support an aging loved one.
Alleviating caregiver guilt
What practical steps can help family caregivers reduce feelings of guilt and inadequacy? Clinical psychologist and family therapist Barry Jacobs offers several helpful approaches.
Don’t aim for guilt-free caregiving.
Humans are naturally prone to some degree of guilt. The urge to do more for those we love likely has deep evolutionary roots, but allowing these instincts to dominate can be harmful. Accept that some guilt may always be present, then work on moderating it rather than trying to eliminate it entirely.
Give up the fantasy of rescuing others.
Watching a loved one suffer is painful, and the instinct to solve every problem is strong. But perfect outcomes are often impossible—pandemic conditions have made that clear. Offer your best effort, but set realistic goals instead of striving for unattainable perfection.
Maintain balance.
Caregivers usually juggle many roles: parent, partner, employee, and more, in addition to caring for a family member. Replenishing your own emotional and physical resources is essential to sustain caregiving. Taking breaks can stir guilt, but they’re necessary for long-term wellbeing. It’s also important to ask for help when you need it.
Tolerate ambivalence.
Feeling conflicted about caregiving responsibilities is normal. Ambivalent emotions don’t negate your love or commitment. Families often experience irritability and frustration even before illness, and caregiving doesn’t turn people into saints. Accepting mixed feelings as part of the process reduces self-blame.
Find other motivations.
Anger and resentment can be natural responses to added caregiving burdens. Acting out of guilt can lead to martyr-like behavior that benefits no one and increases bitterness. Instead, try to connect with motivations that feel meaningful—choosing to provide care because it aligns with your values or brings you personal fulfillment produces healthier outcomes.
All feelings are valid
Family caregiving can be deeply rewarding but also highly stressful and guilt-producing. Caregivers should practice self-compassion, acknowledge their feelings, and recognize that emotions are separate from actions. Allowing yourself to experience and process those emotions will help guilt lessen over time.
If caregiving guilt feels overwhelming, speaking with a friend, family member, or licensed counselor can provide perspective and support. These are challenging times for nearly everyone, but caring for yourself increases your capacity to be present, patient, and effective for the person you’re supporting.